Just a day ago, I lost my father in law to cancer. He fought valiantly to the very end and tried his best to push for recovery but was overcome by aggressive cancer.
In the last few weeks before his death, in the midst of busy work, I was told to speak to him soon by my wife and visited as soon as I had the opportunity.
The few words he spoke, was profound. “Take care of your wife and vice-versa.”
As I grief about him, I am thankful for the experiences that I’ve gone through with my FIL. From experiencing kindness, forgiveness, generosity, humour, sarcasm, love (which he demonstrated largely by action) experiencing different stages of his approach towards me before marrying my wife and after and even how he enjoys spending time with my daughters.
He trained both my kids in cycling and did it successfully, systematically.
As I combed through hundreds of pictures shared with him, whether in the capacity of grandkids or just me and him or mostly pictures of me and my family… it occurred to me, every moment is precious. Every month, day, and as the years go by, are critical when compounded and put together.
I’m penning these thoughts down as I can’t sleep and haven’t been able to do so for awhile now.
In my early dating years with my wife, he was still working and he demonstrated how he would treat my mother in law, with love, before leaving the house, a peck on the cheek before going off.
It seems trivial, cheesy and yet this action, done daily was a lesson in part for me, at that time, this affection was just plain and simple, but indirectly, it taught me how I should be treating his daughter.
There were times when he worked from home and I too had the opportunity to do the same, this was when working from home was rare. I see that he stuck to the hours, being disciplined and while doing that, listened to the radio — which he used to listen to BFM a lot.
There were fun times, having TV dinners, the occasional suppers. There were breakfasts and regrettably, some of which I’ve missed but in the last few weeks I had some close moments having dinner and breakfast and yet those are now etched in my memory because I didn’t take pictures and it was once again a moment of hesitation to do so, as it felt like just another day.
But just another day, is a brand new day, an opportunity to seal a picture in that moment of time, every moment counts.
There was a time when he invited me to help drive him to a car service centre and I felt that it was a time where I could bond with him during those moments.
While he was in hospital, he asked for help to move his head and I did all I could and I felt that he gave me the opportunity to assist him.
I wanted to bring him and MIL on a trip to Ipoh but yet due to his condition, that wasn’t meant to be, but we have had our times together, during those times when the timing worked and everyone committed to it.
These are memories that often times taken for granted but now in hindsight, precious.
Daddy in law loves to post news in the family whatsapp group, sharing his favourite eateries or news that matter. He was the one that kept the chat group alive.
In his very last productive years, he contributed much to his local community, church and people around him.
I tried reading about grief and handling this pain but only one answer came up which I think could help was journaling.
What coulda, shoulda, is hindsight and I can only reflect on the wonderful memories of the past.
Thank you daddy in law. Thank you for loving me and my family through your very own unique way.
I will miss your teases, often times, he would declare that I would be the “chef” for CNY or Christmas. At that point of time, it felt strange to be labelled that way…but now as I look at it, I have to say, I’ll never hear it again and I will remember it fondly as much as I can.
I wish to hear your voice again, to listen to your words of wisdom. Thank you for sharing your deep insights, thoughts, solutions and ideas. While I wish we could have more time together, I’m also at peace that you are no longer suffering in pain and are now in heaven.
There is a sense of guilt, regret which I need to let go, in which that I didn’t know how to handle his last moments, didn’t know what to say and these moments of indecision is a painful learning experience. What’s important is to speak regularly in love and practice regular love so that at the very last moments, these things will not add up feeling this way. Perhaps there’s always that sense…of not saying enough and the question of what is enough?
Perhaps coming to terms by saying what I’ve done is enough for now, it is what it is and it’s the best I can do.
My youngest daughter put it aptly, that her gong gong is in heaven to see Jesus and he will be handsome again.
It’s a wonder how death in the eyes of young kids is so beautifully spoken, so deep and yet so comforting at the same time.
I’ve teared a number of times and she has come by my side asking and acknowledging how I felt and reminding me that daddy in law is in a better place now and that he is handsome again.
My your soul rest in peace daddy-in-law. Thank you for everything, for allowing me to be part of your life, allowing me to have a hand of your daughter in marriage, for spending time with my kids and taking care of them when I’ve been so busy along with the wife. I will remember how you often burst into loud laughs, only something unique to you, the badminton games you watch, which have sparked my interest in the sport and the handyman person you are.
There’s so much to say but I think this is all I can write for now.
With love,
Eli